Today's case begins with what I imagine is the worst expert report ever presented in a patent case. How do I know that? Because the whole thing was 2 pages, about half of which was explaining that he was not "retained or specially employed to provide expert testimony" and thus did not have to provide a report under Rule 26(a)(2)(B), but merely a summary of opinions under (a)(2)(C). The entirety of the substantive portion of the report is about the same length as this introductory paragraph, which I wrote in less time than it took me to drink a delicious diet pepsi. I was thinking about just block-quoting it here, but it really screwed with the formatting, so you'll just …